Prime Time to Boycott Amazon Day

An urgent message

Hey, do you want some middle-aged creep who looks like a sinister turtle to install listening devices throughout all our houses? Do you want him to record all your conversations and monitor your spending habits? Do you want him to get so rich that he can build himself a personal colony in space so he can live on as the world below burns (look up Blue Origin)? Well, I don’t know about you, but this sounds a bit too dystopian to me. And by a bit, it mean horrifyingly too much. So therefore, let me suggest a new holiday for us hobo-folk and supporters to stick it to oligarchs like Bezos. Prime Time to Boycott Amazon Day!

Naturally, I chose this to correspond to Amazon’s prime day. Now I know, it may seem tempting to get a discount on pointless tacky good that will give us a brief rush and a following feeling of emptiness, but I ask you, my friends, to resist. Think about it this way: Bezos isn’t doing this to be nice to the consumer. Nor is he going to take a hit from the free, fast shipping. What happens instead is that the workers and shippers and gonna be put on overdrive for a weekend of hell. And if you think like I do, it doesn’t feel good to be a part of that.

So, therefore, let me suggest something different. Let’s not buy anything from this tyrannical giant that’s in the process of consuming the entire globe. I know it’s hard to avoid since they’ve practically cornered the market, and other giants like Walmart are also terrible. However, we can go a whole weekend without consuming. We could free up time and do stuff more fun, like hiking, or playing with dogs, or writing posts and making cartoons for a travel blog. These are just my suggestions (because they are quite awesome), but feel free to get creative and think of something on your own if you’d like.

Also, for bonus points, feel free to add insult to injury. Maybe you’re sick and tired of Alexa? You could set it on fire and throw it out a window. Maybe you think healthy food shouldn’t cost so much money or be so pretentious. You could grow your own garden and then throw the rotten tomatoes at Whole Foods. Or maybe you can just make an effigy of Bezos and burn it in effigy. The options are endless, but please, don’t comply to what he wants. That’s all I ask.

Yule Tide Hallucinations

For most of us, the winter holidays mean stress, debt, obnoxious music in stores, tacky decorations, and a grotesque frenzy of consumerism. All the while, we try to hide our sorrow and displeasure behind an outward facade of seeming ‘jolly’ in an attempt to conform to societal pressures. It kind of makes you wonder, why do we do all this? Why do we put overly priced gifts under a severed pine tree while hanging large socks over fires, as we tell children stories of flying deer and an old fat man breaking and entering into everyone’s house… and somehow tie it in with the birth of Jesus (which according to historical records probably occurred in the Spring)? Well, turns out we took old traditions from Finnish pagans and completely ruined them by inserting Western monotheism and excessive consumption. Therefore, we at Globalhobos advocate bringing the holiday back to its roots. Now let me explain.

Back before Christianity reached Nordic lands, pagans in what is now Finland and Russia’s Karelia region celebrated the winter solstice by eating amanita muscaria mushrooms and going into a transcendent hallucinogenic state with one another. These mushrooms did not grow just anywhere, but would actually sprout up under pine trees (much more interesting than the gifts we put under them), and in order to be consumed, they would be hung over the fire in a cloth stocking. Next, the ceremony would be administered by a shaman, who, according to stereotypes, would be an old man with a long white beard. And no, this one would not be eating milk and cookies.

Therefore, instead of grotesque material commercialization, whiny carols, spoiled eggnog, and attempting to tolerate people you don’t want to see, this celebration would entail a many hour exploration into the subconscious to see what the next year has in store for you and your community. Sounds a bit more exciting, right? That just leaves one last bit, the flying reindeer. Well, reindeer are a native species to northern Finland, and although they tend to stay on the ground, who knows what they’ll be doing once you’re tripping balls. Blasting off into space perhaps?

Imagine if this was how we spend our Christmas, or New Years (Новый год for my Russian fans). Instead of watching boring television with relatives, we could be going on a wild ride with them into the net dimensions. At the very least, it would make for a much more interesting dinner conversation afterwards. Plus, you’d be celebrating the earth and the cycles of nature, instead of ruining it by buying plastic goods that will eventually end up in the ocean and choke a porpoise. Take back this holiday! Return to nature and abandon pointless material goods, all while having the trip of a lifetime (pun intended). Make this year a literal new beginning.*

*Disclaimer: legally, we here cannot technically advocate this due to the fact certain federal laws exist. So, let’s just call it food for thought.

Friendly Anarchist Day

Friends, what do oligarchs, slave owners, war profiteers, and grown men named Chester have in common? They have all been presidents. Instead of celebrating them, we here at Global Hobos are announcing a new counter holiday: Anarchist Day! Today, we honor those individuals who resisted any and all forms of authority.

Here's how to celebrate:

First, take an image of a terrible ruler/president and defile it. For our example, we'll use Andrew Jackson. Feel free to get creative.

This is for the Trail of Tears, you prick.

Once you are finished, strap said image to fireworks (preferably the illegal ones), climb up onto a roof and launch them into the night sky.

Once that is done, give a toast to someone who battled against those in power.

Here's to you Sacco and Vanzetti!

Finally, do something nice and friendly for the regular people in your community (hence Friendly Anarchist Day). Give money to a homeless guy, buy a drink for a friend, or help the old lady down the street. And don't do any of it for alterior motives.